I have tried to write this blog at least 5 times. Afraid that my vulnerability and openness would put me in a position to be judged or ridiculed by others. However, I decided that sharing my story might not be for everyone, but the ones that it is for, I hope it reaches you. The past year has been difficult for me. Through those difficult times, I have struggled to manage my emotions, and turned to coping mechanisms instead of reaching out to someone to help me through. I didn’t realize what I was doing was self-medicating until I talked to my therapist about the breakdown I had from drowning my pain in alcohol. I have always prided myself on the tactics chosen to help get me through hard times in the past, such as writing, reading, dancing, etc. However, everyone has a breaking point. A point where trying to handle your pain and/or sadness on your own is suffocating, and any means of escaping seems worth it at that time.
2019 felt like nothing but weight to me. My job was sucking the life out of me. I was in excessive pain every single day dealing with back issues. Some of my closest friendships were a mess, and the amount of death that hit close to home was more than overwhelming. I wasn’t in therapy at the time. I was actually searching for a therapist when a lot of stuff started to hit the fan, so I internalized the majority of what I felt. I kept a bottle of wine or crown royal to help deal with what was too much to deal with on my own. When I couldn’t drink because I was at work, I cried all day. From the time I woke up until I got back in the bed. I did share some of what was going on with 2 of my friends, but I got to the point that I felt like I was dumping on them every day, ruining their moods, so I stopped. Everyday wasn’t this bad… at least not on the outside, but on the inside my anxiety was high and I was sad all the time.
There was a tipping point for me. There was a morning I woke, and in normal fashion, I jumped on social media. Ignoring the 4 missed calls I woke up to which should have told me something had happened. There is a lot of detail to that story, so I decided to share it as a video. The video is not professional, but very personal, so I filmed it in a personal way.This video is raw, and uncut. I believe hearing the story may be easier than reading it.
click the link for my full story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDMnqdu8Qek
With so much going on in the world this year, the amount of loss everyone's experienced, and the trauma the pandemic itself has put on us, I felt it was necessary to share my experience with self-medicating. I understand the desire to feel numb for what is too much to handle sometimes. However, it’s still there when the numbness wears off. We don’t want to be so dependent on avoiding the pain that we drink or medicate ourselves right into addiction. It’s dangerous. I want everyone who may be suffering mentally or emotionally to know it’s ok to acknowledge your pain. That’s the first step to working through it.
Here are a few resources for those who are seeking counseling/therapy.